This touched me so deeply. As a sometimes foster-mom, there several special children out there who are not "mine" to count, and yet my heart does count them. Thank you for sharing your numbers and the stories and people that go with them.
Thank you, Missy. I can imagine how deeply you know this muddling math - but the beauty of what our hearts are given to hold. Grateful this spoke to you.
Stunning. My son’s birthday is Monday. We lost him at age 18, 15 years ago. That question... how many... dear God. Thank you for this reminder that they are always ours. 💔
Oh, John. My heart aches with you, especially in this tender week. The math will never add up right, never. 15 years is an eternity and a blink. Praying for your son's presence to stay close in these days. They are always ours.
I know the feeling well. I actually was in a women's group amongst women judging families with only 2 kids a dog and a cat. Their thought was people like that were not keeping themselves open to creating more children of God. I wanted to scream out...you have no idea what you are talking about. I didn't mention that my first was stillborn and that I am actually the mother of 3. I just never went back.
It's so hard to talk about because as you stated so well, do you or don't you drop the grief bomb.
Over the years I've been able to read the room better and tell our story. People give me that look and they don't know what to say.
If only they realized, it is okay to acknowledge the loss of a baby, a soul, a daughter, a son and in the process let the grieving know God’s love, even if it makes me cry, or you uncomfortable!
Amen, Mary. I have been there so many times. Drives me batty when people judge others' families from the outside. So many of us have learned the hard way that what you see does not define who a family is. You are the mother of 3, forever and always, and I am so grateful you shared your firstborn here with us.
I get it. This is a beautiful example of how hard it is to answer what seems like an easy question. Sometimes complicated questions, and sometimes inappropriate questions or comments are made. I’ve had those too. And I’m sorry I may have been too “oh wow!” once upon a time learning you had 5 boys too.
I know that you know the complicated ways families come together too (or not). And don't worry: I can't remember a single "oh wow!" (although believe me, some days in this chaos I mutter much the same to myself). ;)
I have 6 on earth, 2 of which are adopted, 1 in heaven. It’s complicated math. 3 of my children overlap so closely in age they are Irish triplets and, despite being hard to offend, I have actually begun despising the question, “how old are they?”, bc the answer reveals that they can’t be biological. Sometimes strangers ask, “which ones are blood”, I understand what they mean but then again I don’t.
Sorry to deviate from the topic. I don’t have a gravestone to visit. But I do count my child in heaven in my head when ppl ask how many kids I have.
Such complicated math, as you say. Those dreaded strangers' questions...I wish folks could simply say, "What a lovely family" and let the rest go. All of them are yours.
Oh Laura. ❤️❤️❤️ I have not experienced miscarriage myself, but am convinced that no one should ever comment on another's children or family size unless it comes from a place of sheer delight.
You articulated this experience perfectly: "From the age of ten, I learned to read the room, to scan my own capacity for truth-telling depending on the context. New friends would awkwardly mumble “sorry,” and I would respond with a chipper “it’s ok!” as only a young person could. Nothing could be further from the truth, but how could I convey any of that in casual conversation?"
I lost my dad to cancer when I was a few weeks shy of 9, and still read the room. It's hard to explain to someone who didn't experience loss at a young age how much this impacts every aspect of your personhood. I'm so sorry that you are also a member of this club. ❤️
Mary, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. It's such a terrible tender age to have to learn about death and grief. With you in the solidarity of the suffering. Thank you for being here.
I always say I have five I get to chase. Those who hear with a heart that knows, understand. Those who only wanted to ask an easy question, just laugh and assume that is all it is.
Such lovely words for such a hard topic. It resonates with me deeply as I always struggle to answer that question as well. We “have” 5, I have carried 9. Sometimes I answer “5 on earth” and leave it at that. But oh my heart, it feels every one of them.
Laura, your writing is such a gift. 💗 Thank you for this piece and capturing so poignantly and beautifully this experience of loss and the grief of miscarriage and child loss. As a mama to two lost to miscarriage, I resonated deeply with your words. Yes, our children are not ours--total gifts from God for the time He gives us with them.
This touched me so deeply. As a sometimes foster-mom, there several special children out there who are not "mine" to count, and yet my heart does count them. Thank you for sharing your numbers and the stories and people that go with them.
Thank you, Missy. I can imagine how deeply you know this muddling math - but the beauty of what our hearts are given to hold. Grateful this spoke to you.
Stunning. My son’s birthday is Monday. We lost him at age 18, 15 years ago. That question... how many... dear God. Thank you for this reminder that they are always ours. 💔
Oh, John. My heart aches with you, especially in this tender week. The math will never add up right, never. 15 years is an eternity and a blink. Praying for your son's presence to stay close in these days. They are always ours.
I know the feeling well. I actually was in a women's group amongst women judging families with only 2 kids a dog and a cat. Their thought was people like that were not keeping themselves open to creating more children of God. I wanted to scream out...you have no idea what you are talking about. I didn't mention that my first was stillborn and that I am actually the mother of 3. I just never went back.
It's so hard to talk about because as you stated so well, do you or don't you drop the grief bomb.
Over the years I've been able to read the room better and tell our story. People give me that look and they don't know what to say.
If only they realized, it is okay to acknowledge the loss of a baby, a soul, a daughter, a son and in the process let the grieving know God’s love, even if it makes me cry, or you uncomfortable!
God bless you for sharing yourself with others!
Amen, Mary. I have been there so many times. Drives me batty when people judge others' families from the outside. So many of us have learned the hard way that what you see does not define who a family is. You are the mother of 3, forever and always, and I am so grateful you shared your firstborn here with us.
I get it. This is a beautiful example of how hard it is to answer what seems like an easy question. Sometimes complicated questions, and sometimes inappropriate questions or comments are made. I’ve had those too. And I’m sorry I may have been too “oh wow!” once upon a time learning you had 5 boys too.
You’ll always be a mom to 8.
I know that you know the complicated ways families come together too (or not). And don't worry: I can't remember a single "oh wow!" (although believe me, some days in this chaos I mutter much the same to myself). ;)
Thank you Laura. I also have 5 and miscarried three. Your profound reflection deeply touched me.
Thank you, Angela. From one mother of 8 to another. <3
Oh this is beautiful. All life should be honourer and I'm glad you did that here 💛
Thank you, Kym. And Amen.
This was so touching. It gave me goosebumps while reading it. So beautifully written. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story.
Thank you, Jennifer. Grateful for your words.
I have 6 on earth, 2 of which are adopted, 1 in heaven. It’s complicated math. 3 of my children overlap so closely in age they are Irish triplets and, despite being hard to offend, I have actually begun despising the question, “how old are they?”, bc the answer reveals that they can’t be biological. Sometimes strangers ask, “which ones are blood”, I understand what they mean but then again I don’t.
Sorry to deviate from the topic. I don’t have a gravestone to visit. But I do count my child in heaven in my head when ppl ask how many kids I have.
Such complicated math, as you say. Those dreaded strangers' questions...I wish folks could simply say, "What a lovely family" and let the rest go. All of them are yours.
Oh Laura. ❤️❤️❤️ I have not experienced miscarriage myself, but am convinced that no one should ever comment on another's children or family size unless it comes from a place of sheer delight.
You articulated this experience perfectly: "From the age of ten, I learned to read the room, to scan my own capacity for truth-telling depending on the context. New friends would awkwardly mumble “sorry,” and I would respond with a chipper “it’s ok!” as only a young person could. Nothing could be further from the truth, but how could I convey any of that in casual conversation?"
I lost my dad to cancer when I was a few weeks shy of 9, and still read the room. It's hard to explain to someone who didn't experience loss at a young age how much this impacts every aspect of your personhood. I'm so sorry that you are also a member of this club. ❤️
Mary, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. It's such a terrible tender age to have to learn about death and grief. With you in the solidarity of the suffering. Thank you for being here.
Yes, thank you for this 💛
I always say I have five I get to chase. Those who hear with a heart that knows, understand. Those who only wanted to ask an easy question, just laugh and assume that is all it is.
Amen. Love this. I sometimes say "five at home" for the same reason: a small flag to those who understand.
oh my God I am ugly face crying. unexpected. Thank you. Beautiful. 🙏🏻
Thank you, Cheryl.
Yes. Thank you, Laura. This is exactly how it feels.
Thank you, Carrie.
Thank you for this reflection, Laura. 💗
Thank you, Erin! Grateful for your writing on this, too.
Such lovely words for such a hard topic. It resonates with me deeply as I always struggle to answer that question as well. We “have” 5, I have carried 9. Sometimes I answer “5 on earth” and leave it at that. But oh my heart, it feels every one of them.
Your last line - every word resonates so deeply. Thank you.
Laura, your writing is such a gift. 💗 Thank you for this piece and capturing so poignantly and beautifully this experience of loss and the grief of miscarriage and child loss. As a mama to two lost to miscarriage, I resonated deeply with your words. Yes, our children are not ours--total gifts from God for the time He gives us with them.
Thank you, Lenore. Grateful to know this spoke to you.